Cel Mates
by Sailor Usagi
Summary: Here's something to make you roll your eyes, laugh, and cry out of pure horror. True Sailor Moon fans will be scarred but in a semigood way.


_I will tell you straight up. This fic is not mine. I was at an anime convention this past summer and found one of the Sailor Moon the novels and since it was only $3, I bought it just to see how horrible it is. And I will warn you now, it makes you cringe but it's so bad that it's funny. I just thought Sailor Moon fans would enjoy it._

_Disclaimer: I do not own any Sailor Moon characters nor do I own this fi__c. This was actually written by__ Lianne Sentar.

* * *

_

Crossroads Theater was dark but for the colorful glow reflected on the faces of the audience. Onscreen a handsome young man knelt before a beautiful starlet and offered her flowers.

"That's so cute!" Serena Tsukino bit her fingertips and blinked teary eyes. If there was one thing she loved more than video games and junk food, it was sappy romance movies. She couldn't get enough of them.

"Amy," she said rather loudly, poking her friend. "Amy, isn't that guy totally sweet? How come I've never met a guy like that?"

Amy Anderson looked tired. "I don't know," she said, taking Serena's hand. "But keep it down, Serena. Other people are trying to watch."

"Oh Ames, I know, but I'm not that lou-" Serena cut herself off as the man in the movie took the woman in his arms. Serena focused all her attention on the screen, holding her breath and crossing her fingers.

"I love you," the young man whispered. "Anna, I've loved you ever since we met on that fateful day on the bridge."

Serena laughed happily. "They're so sweet!" she exclaimed. "This flick sure knows how to…"

"Quiet down front!"

Serena scowled. Turning, she called back into the faceless audience, "Excuse me for enjoying the movie! This is a romance, so stop trying to bring negative feelings into the theater!"

A barrage of empty popcorn buckets and candy wrappers flew at Serena. She yelped and frantically tried to dodge them.

Amy pulled Serena back into her seat. "Serena," Amy whispered, leaning close to her friend, "just relax, OK? The movie's almost over, and people want to see how it ends."

Serena snorted and brushed a Raisonette off her shoulder. "The people here certainly don't seem like romantics."

"Come on, Serena. Just sit still for a few minutes."

Serena sighed and leaned back in her chair. She had a personality that was rather, well, loud. She liked to share her opinions and enthusiasm. Only thing was, people didn't seem to appreciate it, and it sometimes really frustrated her. This wasn't the first time she had gotten trash thrown at her in a movie theater.

Oh, well. She couldn't please everybody. Serena opened her last bag of gummy bears and popped a few in her mouth. Onscreen the man and woman were at their wedding, exchanging vows.

"Anna, there's nothing I want more than to be your husband. I want to stand by your side until the world ends!"

Serena giggled. "Wow," she said through a mouthful of gummies. "That guy sure is a charmer."

An empty popcorn bucket fell right on Serena's head. Scowling, she pulled it off.

"Geez," she said, tossing the bucket aside. "I get the point. I'll be quiet already."

Amy frowned and began picking the bits of popcorn from her friend's hair.

Serena grimaced. Maybe she would just be better off waiting until all those movies came out on video. She'd sure stay a lot cleaner that way.

A crumbling abandoned mansion stood alone in Crossroads Woods. The afternoon sunlight flashed off a broken stained-glass window, and the heavy door, although closed, hung broken from one good hinge.

Nephlite stood inside the main room of the mansion. The evil general of the Negaverse clenched his fists.

Sailor Moon and the Sailor Scouts, warriors of justice, had been foiling his plans to suck energy from the citizens of Crossroads. Queen Beryl was growing frustrated. Seeing as how Beryl was master of the Negaverse, it wasn't a good idea to get her frustrated. Nephlite needed a new plan of attack.

"It's time I started focusing more on those girls," he said, holding one palm toward the wall opposite him. "I didn't think that Sailor brat and her little pals would require so much of my attention, but I'm growing tired of them."

The man closed his eyes. Slowly, a huge holographic star chart spread along the wall before him. Tiny moving lights represented the planets, and glittering dots of silver shone like real stars.

"Great stars," he called, using his ability to ask the stars for guidance, "the Sailor Scouts must have a weakness I can use against them. I need to destroy them before I can continue with my plans. Show me their weak point."

The stars on the chart slowly began to move. They clustered in the center of the map and formed a glowing circle. The circle flickered several colors, then, after several moments, an image of a man formed within it.

Nephlite opened his eyes. He scowled. "I should have known."

The man on the chart was young and tall, with cat-like grace and a quirky grin. He wore a black tuxedo and top hat, a black cape with red lining and a thin white mask that covered his eyes. Long fingers in white gloves deftly held a rose with a razor sharp tip.

Tuxedo Mask. The mysterious young man who saved Sailor Moon and the Sailor Scouts when they were in grave danger. Nobody, not even the Scouts, knew Tuxedo Mask's true identity.

"These are silly teenage girls I'm dealing with," Nephlite reminded himself. "Of course a pretty boy to the rescue excites them."

Nephlite looked to his own gloved hand. "Well," he said lowly. "This plan should be easy enough to execute. Those foolish girls are mine."

The next day was cloudy, so Serena stayed home instead of taking her usual walk to the Crown Arcade. The petite blonde lounged on her bed and stared at her ceiling, her sock-covered feet idly hanging off the bed.

"Whaddya think, Luna?" she asked the small black cat curled up on her desk. "Should I go mall-trotting today, or just kick Sammy off the Playstation and play Final Fantasy 'till my brain rots?"

Luna yawned. She turned half opened eyes to the girl and scowled. "If you want my honest opinion," the cat said, "I would suggest studying so you don't flunk your math quiz tomorrow and end up with a D for this quarter."

"Nah. I'm thinking Final Fantasy. I'm in a heroic mood."

"You simply don't listen to me anymore, do you?"

"Did you say something?"

The talking cat scoffed. As Serena's guardian, and one of the few who knew her secret identity, it was Luna's job to keep the fun-loving, responsibility-hating girl on track. Sometimes this could be quite difficult.

"Listen Serena," Luna scolded. "If you get another F, your parents are going to ground you from the mall and video games. Either you study now and pass so you can have fun the rest of this week, or waste your time and end up getting grounded for a month for flunking."

Serena smiled. "Who says I need to study to pass, Luna? Don't you believe I'm intelligent enough to get at least a C without studying?"

"No."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

Luna sighed. "After the 46 on your last quiz, do you really blame me?"

Serena shrugged. She wasn't really good at school. She accepted that long ago. Maybe she should study and do better in her classes, but being a super-hero by night was stressful enough. She figured she deserved a lot of time off.

She fingered one of her long ponytails and thought about the romance movie she had seen the day before. It had been on her mind a lot that day.

"That flick I saw was so cute," she said, stretching her toes. "It was about this guy who had a crush on some girl, but he couldn't get up the nerve to tell her, so he just watched her and left flowers and candy on her doorstep whenever he saw she was sad. When she noticed him on the street and went to thank him, he ran away." She laughed. "I dunno. It kinda reminded me of my own life, but I don't know why."

"Your own life?"

Serena sighed. "Yeah. Though I can't think of any guy who has a crush on me and does things for me to express his feelings."

Luna raised an eyebrow. "Doesn't Melvin have a crush on you?"

Serena shuddered. OK, Melvin was a nice guy, but he was a little too in love with computers and UFO's. She had the awful feeling that he was infatuated with her the same way he was infatuated with PC games.

"Melvin isn't so subtle about his feelings," Serena said flatly. "He reminds me every day how much he's in love with me." Serena would be more flattered if Melvin understood she wasn't interested and would quit acting like the two of them had a chance.

There was a familiar clicking sound from outside, and Serena brightened. She hopped off her bed and ran for her bedroom door.

Luna looked up. "Where are you going?"

"That was the mailman. I'm gonna go get the mail." Serena always liked to be the first one to check the mail. She had a weird fantasy that she would win one of those ten-million-dollar sweepstakes some day, and if that happened, she wanted to be the first one to know. Hey, she entered about thirty of those contests a year, so she figured she had to win at some point.

She ran outside and pulled all the mail out of the mailbox. She flipped through the letters until she found one with her name on it.

"Cool!" Serena tossed the other letters aside and practically ripped hers open. Unfolding the piece of crisp white paper, her eyes scanned for the magic words.

But it wasn't a letter from any sweepstakes. In fact, it wasn't even close. As she read the neat handwriting, she felt her eyes widen and the back of her mind go white in shock.

I've kept my feelings to myself long enough, the note read. I have to tell you how I really feel. Meet me at Crossroads Mall tomorrow night at ten.

Tuxedo Mask's signature was at the bottom.

* * *

_Well, there's the first chapter. And we all thought the dub was bad. I think the worst thing is that the girl who actually wrote this wrote a lot of fan fiction (it doesn't say which categories) before she was published. It says so in her biography in the back of the book. Also, one thing that's absolutely hilarious is that when I did spell check for this, Nephlite wasn't considered a word but the first correction was Nephrite. HA! Take that Dic._


End file.
